Well, it's almost 12am on saturday morning.
An hour ago I broke up with my boyfriend, and we'd been together for almost three years now.
I can give so many petty reasons why we broke up - we fought too much, he didn't care, I'm too controlling, he smells funny, etc - but honestly, I broke up with Alex over, and through, my faith.
This might be too "hardxcore Christian" for some people, but in the end, I kind of felt like I had to chose between him and God. Alex told me to chose God, and he didn't have to, I already knew. But it's so crazy and sad because, for the past two and a half years, Alex has been the most important thing to me, which should be a bit of a red flag saying "Uh hello, God in the picture? Pleeeaasee?" And the song You Wont Relent by Misty Edwards always condemned me.
"You wont relent until You have it all."
It's like I was holding on to Alex saying Nope! He's MINE. And all the energy and time I'd spend focusing on Alex was taking away from my God-time and energy.
Another thing was SIN.
Sometimes, being with Alex would make me feel sinful.
I know it's normal to be angry with a boy/girlfriend, and it's even normal to want to seek revenge on them when you're upset, but I hated it. There would be fights where I'd swear at him, say mean things, think mean thoughts towards him, and just turn on this real evil side of myself. Or if he did something that hurt me, I'd want to go out and do something that would make him feel how I felt.
You can fight that all those emotions are normal, but I hated feeling them so much, because IT'S NOT ME. I'm not an evil revenge-seeker, and I never feel such strong angry emotions any other time.
So when we would fight, it would turn into a downward spiral of us just getting meaner and angrier at each other.
I couldn't handle it.
Like I said, in the end, it was me. Like a war in my head of what's "right" and "wrong". And I felt like I was choosing to please and to struggle to work things out with Alex over letting God take control.
For the past two weeks, I'd be praying by myself and with others about what to do, how to hear what God wants me to do, how to understand God's words. And tonight, on the phone, Alex and I started bickering, and God kind of just laid it out there in front of me that it's not a healthy relationship to be in. I said back to him "God, if I break up with Alex, I'm going to need You so bad." And God was kind of like,
That's what I want. Thats what I'm here for.
And I'm like "Uh duh Claudia."
Personally, Claudia.
An hour ago I broke up with my boyfriend, and we'd been together for almost three years now.
I can give so many petty reasons why we broke up - we fought too much, he didn't care, I'm too controlling, he smells funny, etc - but honestly, I broke up with Alex over, and through, my faith.
This might be too "hardxcore Christian" for some people, but in the end, I kind of felt like I had to chose between him and God. Alex told me to chose God, and he didn't have to, I already knew. But it's so crazy and sad because, for the past two and a half years, Alex has been the most important thing to me, which should be a bit of a red flag saying "Uh hello, God in the picture? Pleeeaasee?" And the song You Wont Relent by Misty Edwards always condemned me.
"You wont relent until You have it all."
It's like I was holding on to Alex saying Nope! He's MINE. And all the energy and time I'd spend focusing on Alex was taking away from my God-time and energy.
Another thing was SIN.
Sometimes, being with Alex would make me feel sinful.
I know it's normal to be angry with a boy/girlfriend, and it's even normal to want to seek revenge on them when you're upset, but I hated it. There would be fights where I'd swear at him, say mean things, think mean thoughts towards him, and just turn on this real evil side of myself. Or if he did something that hurt me, I'd want to go out and do something that would make him feel how I felt.
You can fight that all those emotions are normal, but I hated feeling them so much, because IT'S NOT ME. I'm not an evil revenge-seeker, and I never feel such strong angry emotions any other time.
So when we would fight, it would turn into a downward spiral of us just getting meaner and angrier at each other.
I couldn't handle it.
Like I said, in the end, it was me. Like a war in my head of what's "right" and "wrong". And I felt like I was choosing to please and to struggle to work things out with Alex over letting God take control.
For the past two weeks, I'd be praying by myself and with others about what to do, how to hear what God wants me to do, how to understand God's words. And tonight, on the phone, Alex and I started bickering, and God kind of just laid it out there in front of me that it's not a healthy relationship to be in. I said back to him "God, if I break up with Alex, I'm going to need You so bad." And God was kind of like,
That's what I want. Thats what I'm here for.
And I'm like "Uh duh Claudia."
Personally, Claudia.
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