Lately, a few of my friends have been getting married or engaged (congrats to all of you). But it's been weirdly affecting me, since I am trying to convince myself that I want to be single right now until I return from my mission trip next year.
So last night - well, ten minutes ago before I woke up - I had this dream where I was sitting in my car on the edge of a cliff that dropped down to a beach where the sun was setting. There was a faceless guy sitting inside with me, and it was obviously kind of a romantic scene.
Well, me being awkward and frigid, I'm just staring at the water and sunset, and trying to not give off any sign that it's okay for him to put his arm around me, or anything like that. And Mister Faceless says "Claudia Rose. Hey, Claudia Rose." And I respond "What?" without turning to look at him. And he goes "Look at me." So I twist my head to look at him, and I know that his face had no real features or anything, so he was still pretty faceless, but I remember that I made eye contact with him.
"I love you." he says so directly and matter-of-factly.
"Pff" I turn back to the ocean and say "No you don't" in a real bratty way.
"Yes I do. Why would I not love you?" I can feel his stare on me.
I start listing all the reasons why I'm not perfect and all the things that have happened to me that make me insecure or depressed or bitter or someone that he wouldn't love. I tell him about every little scar in my life (I'm surprised I could make a list so well and so fast in a dream), and I'm telling each story or memory in the most gruesome way to try and exaggerate how damaged I am.
"... I've got so much baggage and pain and bad stuff. That's why you really don't love me." I face him when I tell him that last part, and he stares directly at me and says
"I want to carry all of that for you. Give me all your weight so I can carry it for you, and love you. If you would just trust me and let me help you carry that baggage, then I can really love you."
That last line kind of made me start to think, that's way too good and sweet to be real, I can't imagine any guy I know saying that, that sounds more like something God would be saying to me.... OH WAIT....
Personally, Claudia Rose
So last night - well, ten minutes ago before I woke up - I had this dream where I was sitting in my car on the edge of a cliff that dropped down to a beach where the sun was setting. There was a faceless guy sitting inside with me, and it was obviously kind of a romantic scene.
Well, me being awkward and frigid, I'm just staring at the water and sunset, and trying to not give off any sign that it's okay for him to put his arm around me, or anything like that. And Mister Faceless says "Claudia Rose. Hey, Claudia Rose." And I respond "What?" without turning to look at him. And he goes "Look at me." So I twist my head to look at him, and I know that his face had no real features or anything, so he was still pretty faceless, but I remember that I made eye contact with him.
"I love you." he says so directly and matter-of-factly.
"Pff" I turn back to the ocean and say "No you don't" in a real bratty way.
"Yes I do. Why would I not love you?" I can feel his stare on me.
I start listing all the reasons why I'm not perfect and all the things that have happened to me that make me insecure or depressed or bitter or someone that he wouldn't love. I tell him about every little scar in my life (I'm surprised I could make a list so well and so fast in a dream), and I'm telling each story or memory in the most gruesome way to try and exaggerate how damaged I am.
"... I've got so much baggage and pain and bad stuff. That's why you really don't love me." I face him when I tell him that last part, and he stares directly at me and says
"I want to carry all of that for you. Give me all your weight so I can carry it for you, and love you. If you would just trust me and let me help you carry that baggage, then I can really love you."
That last line kind of made me start to think, that's way too good and sweet to be real, I can't imagine any guy I know saying that, that sounds more like something God would be saying to me.... OH WAIT....
Personally, Claudia Rose
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