"You wont relent"

Well, it's almost 12am on saturday morning.
An hour ago I broke up with my boyfriend, and we'd been together for almost three years now.

I can give so many petty reasons why we broke up - we fought too much, he didn't care, I'm too controlling, he smells funny, etc - but honestly, I broke up with Alex over, and through, my faith.

This might be too "hardxcore Christian" for some people, but in the end, I kind of felt like I had to chose between him and God. Alex told me to chose God, and he didn't have to, I already knew. But it's so crazy and sad because, for the past two and a half years, Alex has been the most important thing to me, which should be a bit of a red flag saying "Uh hello, God in the picture? Pleeeaasee?" And the song You Wont Relent by Misty Edwards always condemned me.

"You wont relent until You have it all."

It's like I was holding on to Alex saying Nope! He's MINE. And all the energy and time I'd spend focusing on Alex was taking away from my God-time and energy.

Another thing was SIN.
Sometimes, being with Alex would make me feel sinful.
I know it's normal to be angry with a boy/girlfriend, and it's even normal to want to seek revenge on them when you're upset, but I hated it. There would be fights where I'd swear at him, say mean things, think mean thoughts towards him, and just turn on this real evil side of myself. Or if he did something that hurt me, I'd want to go out and do something that would make him feel how I felt.
You can fight that all those emotions are normal, but I hated feeling them so much, because IT'S NOT ME. I'm not an evil revenge-seeker, and I never feel such strong angry emotions any other time.
So when we would fight, it would turn into a downward spiral of us just getting meaner and angrier at each other.
I couldn't handle it.

Like I said, in the end, it was me. Like a war in my head of what's "right" and "wrong". And I felt like I was choosing to please and to struggle to work things out with Alex over letting God take control.
For the past two weeks, I'd be praying by myself and with others about what to do, how to hear what God wants me to do, how to understand God's words. And tonight, on the phone, Alex and I started bickering, and God kind of just laid it out there in front of me that it's not a healthy relationship to be in. I said back to him "God, if I break up with Alex, I'm going to need You so bad." And God was kind of like,

That's what I want. Thats what I'm here for.

And I'm like "Uh duh Claudia."



Personally, Claudia.

Who am I?

Well, I guess I should start this blog off talking about myself.

I've written and erased this blog like three times. I always get this bright idea for a blog, write in it for a month, then get bored and erase all of it. This time I'm just going for it.

My name is Claudia. I'm pretty young, in age, but not in attitude.
I'm definitely not attracted to actions of immaturity; like drunkenness, rudeness, etc.
I'm a Christian girl, but I like to focus more on my relationship with my God than with religion.
I have a lot of friends, very few "best" friends, and almost no friends that I would go running to for advice.
Im real deep, and you just have to ask to know it.
I've got a loving family, small, but we all support each other real well. Compared to those messed up families on tv and in movies, I'd say we are doing superb.
I love to write, and I'll be posting little excerpts from my writings and books here - that's probably what most of this stuff will be.
Actually, thats how I'll end this first post, with an excerpt from a journal I call "Memoir". It's called Eyes. You can figure out what its about.

Eyes:

I don't remember his eyes.
He's had the most impact on my life, over everyone else, but I barely knew him.
Just a few vague memories, some snippets of sentences.
I remember his month-old cigarette smell, the converse high-tops he would always wear. When he had his jaw wired shut. When he brought me and Pete real rad Easter baskets one year with Heather. The time he and I were at my grandparents house in Prescott, and I was so proud of myself, because I had eaten a full hamburger, all by myself. I remember when he would stay the night, he had this little alarm that would wake him up every ten minutes. And how he'd dye his hair outside on the lawn and rinse it with the hose outside my window.
I remember such precise little things, but I cant for the life of me remember his eyes.
I bet they were just like mine. A blur of colors that looks so simple from far away, but breathe taking and awing when you get close enough to notice.
But when I look in the mirror, I don't see him in me, because I cant remember his eyes.







Personally, Claudia.